Is there ever a time when you can experience to much good luck? Life for the last few years has been rather... well extremely difficult. I have had more growing then I knew what to do with. I have had to grit my teeth and say that one day I would have the ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps and really better my life.
Today, I find myself in an awkward situation. My life is getting better. Extraordinary situations have been happening and I don't feel as if I deserve it. Does that even make sense? I fear by excepting these really great events, gifts, I am really doing something horribly wrong. I try to live my life as honestly as I can, so why do I feel as if this were bad?
For some reason (thank god) I have had the good fortune to actually WIN at some contests. This has enabled me to hold on to a much needed sense of security- I know that with (blank) gift card I can purchase my son his birthday gift, and I know with (blank) gift card that I can purchase him some much needed summer clothing. And having that happen is so... exhilarating, such a blessed relief to have, I can hardly express it. And then I win some socks that a woman was (kindly) giving away, and I am able to cross one more much needed item off my list.
And then, I get offered a 'job' for my favorite ever website and they will send me MORE giftcards once a month. Oh holy Toledo... a moment of heaven. This means that I will have (X) amount of dollars per month to make sure that we have food in the fridge, or if that isn't an issue to make sure that we have dish and laundry detergent, shampoo and conditioner, razors. Or to buy a new set of pots and pans, or replace the broken mop or vacuum. That sort of thing. And life gets a little bit better, and I feel a little worse.
And then, I win another gift card and my first thought to myself besides (Ohmyfreakinggawdthisissoawesome) is- Should I have entered the contest? What if someone else needed it more?
And then (there's a lot of and thens in this post, aren't there?) I have someone tell me that they would like to send me a little something extra by way of clothing, shoes for my son. My jaw about hit the floor. We have been trying to figure out how to get him a new pair of shoes since his feet are quickly out growing his old ones. Another need has been filled through the generosity of others and good luck.
I am so extremely grateful for this. The pregnant part of me just wants to sit here and bawl and tell everyone just how thankful I am to have this happen to us. I think though, that I am really worried that by somehow excepting these really great gifts I am going to make something really bad happen, or that it will be really really short lived. And that scares the hell out of me.